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 On this page we are trying to collect the WORLD'S GREATEST JOKES---jokes guaranteed to make you laugh or at least smile. Send us your favorite joke and we'll try to share it. Just email us at elmer@Hefirstlovedus.comBefore you begin reading the jokes, we thought you might like to choose your own page background color to make your reading more enjoyable. Just use your mouse to select the color you like best. Do not click but move the cursor straight up or down and out of the area to keep the color you selected. Can you find the pin?  Somewhere among the jokes on this page, there is a pin just like the one after the question, "Can you find the pin?" Are you a good detective and can you find it?
 Now, here they are! Some of the world's greatest jokes! What state needs two pair of glasses?Mississippi because it has four eyes! Why is it easy to swindle sheep?Because it's so easy to pull the wool over their eyes! What is the only true cure for dandruff?Baldness! Knock Knock:Whose there? Will. Will who? Will you please let me in, it's cold out here. Forwards it is heavy, backwards it is not. What is it?A ton. What goes up the chimney down but can't come down the chimney up?An umbrella! What state is a 2 oz. cola?Minnesota (mini-soda)! How do baby fish know how to swin?Finstinct Customer: "I'm returning this cat food."Clerk: "What's the problem?" Customer: "It says it comes in an 'easy opening can.'" Clerk: "So?" Customer: "My cat tried for three days, and he never could open it." What starts with T, ends with T and is full of T?A teapot! Why won't bikes stand up by themselves?Because they are two tired (too tired)! When do you put pickles in a door?When it is ajar! What did one volcano say to another?I lava you! If two's company and three a crowd, what are four and five?Nine. What animals make the worst entertainers?Skunks. Their acts always stink! Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the king's horses, All the King's men, Ate scrambled egg for two weeks. The more you feed itThe more it grows high But if you give it water It shall quickly die What is it? Fire! What 11-letter English word does everyone pronounce incorrectly?Incorrectly! What is the difference between a teacher and a train?A train says CHOOO CHOOO. Your teacher says spit out your gum. Why do sharks only swim in salt water?Because pepper water makes them sneeze! What has a head and a foot but no arms?A bed! What has a head and a tail but no feet?A coin! (Shared by Gwin Knapp, Townsend, Tennessee) What was the parrot doing in prison?It was a jail-bird! A man left home running. He ran a ways and then turned left, ran the same distance and turned left again, ran the same distance and turned left again. When he got home there were two masked men. Who were they?The catcher and umpire! How many cats have been elected President of the United States?Thomeows Jefferson. Grow-fur Cleveland. James Meowonroe. Hairy S. Truman. Jimmy Catter. Dwight D. Eisenmeower. And, of course, James A. Garfield! Johnny's mother had four children. The first was April, the second was May, and the third was June. What was the name of her fourth child?Johnny! Did you hear about the train that went crazy?It was a loco-motive! What has ears but can't hear?A cornfield! Which two words in the English language have the most letters?Post Office! What's the difference between a presidential candidate and an overworked secretary?One can't wait to get into office and one can't wait to get out of the office. What are the worst baseball players members of?The Hall of Shame. Did you hear about the wodden car with the wooden wheels and the wooden engine?It wooden go! A history joke:How did the Vikings send secret messages? By norse code! Another history joke:Why did the knight run about shouting for a tin opener? He had a bee in his suit of armour! Another history joke:Why were the early days of history called the dark ages? Because there were so many knights! Why don't bats live alone?They like to hang around with their friends! Why did the apple go out with a fig?Because it couldn't find a date! When is it unlucky to have a black cat cross your path?When you're a mouse! In what month do dogs bark the least?February---it's the shortest month! What did the duck say when it was finished shopping?Put it on my bill please! What kind of cats like to go bowling?Alley cats! What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep?A dinosnore Why is Alabama the smartest state in the USA?Because it has 4 A's and one B! What's every baby's motto?If at first you don't suceed, cry, cry again. How many animals did Moses take on the ark?Moses didn't take anything on the ark. Noah did! "John, use the word 'contrive' in a sentence.""As soon as I get my license, then I contrive." "Jenny, use the word 'cinder' in a sentence.""When the girl got sick at school, the teacher had to cinder home." What did the lawyer say when he lost the case?If at first you don't suceed, trial, trial, again. What's the difference between a cat and a frog?A cat has nine lives, but a frog croaks every night! What noises do dinosaurs make at night?dinosnores! Where do mice park their boats?At the hickory, dickory dock. What did the baseball catcher put outside his front door?A Welcome Mitt! What is the meanest farm animal?The bully goat! If the electric train is going 95 MPH north what direction is the smoke from the smoke-stack blowing?Electric trains don't blow smoke! What is greater than God, more evil than the devil, the rich need it, and the poor have it?Nothing!---by Ashlee (age 14) What runs all day but has no legs and tells you something but cannot speak?A clock!---by Ashlee (age 14) How is a snail stronger than an elephant?The snail carries its house but an elephant only carries its trunk! "I just had my cat's claws removed.""So why are you limping?" "I had them removed from my leg!" Where do astronauts park their spaceships?At parking meteors. What would you get if a row of 120 rabbits took one step back?A receding hare line! Why do kangaroos hate rainy days?Because the children have to play inside! (get it? in the pouch) A man was driving a black truck. His lights were not on. The moon was not out. A lady was crossing the street. How did the man see her?It was a bright sunny day! Will you remember me in ten years?---Yes. Will you remember me in twenty years? ---Yes. Knock, Knock ---Who's there? See, you've forgotten me already! Why did the spider get on the computer?To make a web! My name is KaylaJOKE: In France what do frogs eat? FRENCH FLIES! There once was a man from PerthWho was born on the day of his birth. He was married they say On his wife's wedding day, And he died on his last day on earth! ---Shared by Courtney (age 11) What did the scientists prove when they found bones on the moon?That the cow didn't make it! What do you call a boy that just walked in?Justin! What do you call the boy lying on the floor?Matt! What do you call a penguin in a desert?Lost! Teacher: Does anyone know which month has 28 days?Pupil: All of them! What do you call a song about a car?A car toon (cartoon). What is the largest ant in the world?Antartica! What did the grape say to the elephant?Nothing, grapes don't talk. What did the girl say when she stepped on a flower?"Oopsy, Daisy!" Which bug says, Zzub, Zzub?A bee flying backwards! Why did the dog cross the road?Because there was a cat on the other side! What kind of bow is impossible to tie?A rainbow! What becomes smaller when you turn it upside down?The number 9! What has a neck but can't swallow?A bottle! What vegetable has eyes but cannot see?A potato How can you make seven even?Take away the letter S. What do you call a man with a car on his head?Jack! Can you spell eighty with two letters?A-T. What do giraffes have that no other animal has?Baby giraffes! What is at the end of everything?The letter g What works only when it's fired?A rocket! What nails do carpenters hate to hit?Fingernails! What goes tick, tick, woof, woof?A watch dog! Which word is spelled wrong by even the best scholars?Wrong! How do you make antifreeze?Put Aunty in the freezer. How do you spell mouse trap with only 3 letters?C-A-T You are in a room with no windows and no doors, just two halves of a table, how would you get out?Put the two halves together to make a whole. In what month do dogs bark least?In February--it's the shortest month! What's an astronaut's favorite place on a keyboard?The space bar! What two things can't you have for breakfast?Lunch and dinner! What happened to the dog who ate only garlic and onions?His bark was worse than his bite! Why did the bees go on strike?For more honey and shorter flowers! What kind of umbrella does a Russian carry when its raining?A wet one! What travels around the world and stays in a corner?A stamp! Knock Knock:Whose there? Mary. Mary Who? Merry Christmas! Why did the ram run over the cliff?He didn't see the ewe turn! Do you know how to keep a pit bull from charging?Yes...take away its credit cards! Did you hear about the dog that went to the flea circus?No, what happened? He stole the show! How do you begin a detective story?"Once upon a crime..." What's a pickle's favorite game show?Let's Make a Dill (Deal). Knock, Knock:Who's there? Spell! Spell who? W...H...O! How many months have 28 days?All twelve, and most of them even have more! Why did the little girl walk home instead of taking the bus?Because she knew that if she took a bus, her mother would make her put it back! What has one foot and four legs?A bed! Knock, Knock:Who's there? Althea! Althea who? Althea later, Alligator! Knock, Knock:Whose there? Happy. Happy who? Happy New Year Who invented an airplane that couldn't fly?The Wrong Brothers! What's the difference between an jeweller and a jailor?One sells watches and the other watches cells! What does a bee use to comb his hair?A honeycomb! Where does Abraham Lincoln have his mail sent to?To his Gettysburgs address! Why did the football coach go to the bank?To get his quarters back! What animal can jump higher than a mountain?Any animial. A mountain can't jump! What kind of keys do kids like to carry?Cookies! What football game should dieters avoid?The Sugar Bowl! The turtle took two chocolates to Texas, to teach Thomas to tie his shoes. How many "Ts" in that?There are 2 "Ts" in That! What did Tennessee see?The same thing that Arkansas saw! Why do golfers take an extra pair of socks?In case they get a hole in one! What did one eye say to the other?Between you and me, something smells! A History Joke:Why were the early days of history called the dark ages? Because there were so many knights! Why is it against the law for a man living in North Carolina to be buried in South Carolina?Because he is still living? What games do elephants like to play most?Squash! What did the cat say to the elephant?Meow. How do you stop a charging elephant?Take away his credit card! A math jokeTeacher: How much is half of 8? Pupil: Up and down or across? Teacher: What do you mean? Pupil: Well, up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0! Knock, Knock:Who's there? Stan Stan who? Stand back, I think I'm going to sneeze! Imagine you are in a sinking rowboat surrounded by sharks. How would you survive?Quit imagining! What do you call a leopard that never takes a bath?The Stink Panther! What kind of "bus" crossed the Atlantic Ocean?Columbus! Why do birds fly south in the winter?Because it's too far to walk! A butcher is six foot tall, wears size 14 shoes, and has a 50 inch waist. What does he weigh?Meat! Almost everyone needs it, asks for it, gives it, but almost nobody takes it. What is it?Advice! What did one mountain say to another mountain?Let's meet in the valley! Knock, Knock:Who's there? Justin Justin who? Justin the neighborhood and thought I'd say hello. but you find the time to come back to this page again, O.K.? I'll run miles for your smiles! |